


Human Lessons, Volume 1: Birthdays

by Scree_Kat



Series: Ineffable Parenthood [12]
Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett, Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen, Harry pov, shameless fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-12
Updated: 2020-03-12
Packaged: 2021-02-28 16:25:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,935
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23110144
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scree_Kat/pseuds/Scree_Kat
Summary: It's Harry's birthday.Time to start a new tradition.
Relationships: Aziraphale & Crowley (Good Omens), Aziraphale (Good Omens) & Harry Potter, Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens), Crowley (Good Omens) & Hermione Granger, Hermione Granger & Harry Potter
Series: Ineffable Parenthood [12]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1429525
Comments: 35
Kudos: 489





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Fierce_Sloth](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fierce_Sloth/gifts).



The knowledge that Aziraphale was never really prone to bouts of stern parenting warred valiently, but still almost always lost, to the memory of Vernon Dursley, huge and menacing, looming over him. So when Aziraphale asked for a quiet word and ushered him into the library, Harry's heart began to beat wildly out of pace, shoulders slumped as he tried, and failed, to make himself as small a target as possible. 

'A quiet word', when uttered by his uncle, tended to mean 'I have had a bad day at work, and though I can find absolutely nothing that you have done even remotely wrong, I will be punishing you now, regardless.' As such, Harry had honestly expected to see a belt sitting proudly upon the small coffee table, not a tea tray overflowing with his favourite foods, and Zira's. It was more than a little surprising. 

Aziraphale poured the tea, settled them in, and smiled cheerfully. 'Now, Harry, next month is your birthday...' he trailed off, studying Harry intently. 'Normally children are far more enthusiastic about such things,' he muttered, before shaking his confusion off with a slightly more forced smile. 'I wanted to take some time and find out what you'd like to do.'

'To... do?' 

Aziraphale had a very particular look, rather like he'd smelled something terribly offensive, whenever he realised that the Dursleys were likely responsible for a downturn in the conversation. Still, his voice was kind and gentle as he explained. 'Yes, dear boy. Would you like to have a party? Are there any presents you'd particularly like? An adventure you'd like to go on? Within reason, of course, but a birthday should always be celebrated!'

Harry, though he knew he was a rather clever child (even if he couldn't quite match Hermione, he came very, very close, which was a source of constant joy and pride for him and his twin), took rather a long time to understand what his father was saying. By the time he understood, Aziraphale was looking rather worried. 

'You mean... I get to have a birthday?'

'Of course! We love you, our lives are made infinitely better for having you and Hermione with us. Why would we ever not want to celebrate you?' Harry threw himself at his father, hugging him tightly. 'Darling boy, every day you're in our lives is a celebration, but we would be honoured to help you celebrate your birthday. So take some time, think about what you'd like to do, alright?' Harry nodded.

He needed to talk to Hermione. 

*

They were curled in bed together, noses almost touching, Kaa curled in her own little bed carved out of Hermione's headboard. Oh, sure, he could have told her a thousand times before dinner, and _someone_ knew she'd been curious about the conversation, especially when he'd wandered from the room having clearly been crying. She'd given Zira suspicious glances all night when she thought he wasn't watching! But this was their time, the time they always talked about the _very important things that other people didn't understand_. He knew, of course, that if he'd brought it up with the Them, they would be baffled by the frizzling anxiety sparking along his spine. The Them had had birthdays before, many of them. He'd never had a birthday, only ever prepared the food for Dudley's before being shuffled out of the room so as not to upset the birthday whale. Even Aziraphale, an angel who had spent an eternity without a birthday party, was startled at his lack of practical birthday party experience. But Hermione? She'd understand.

'They want to celebrate my birthday.' Her eyes widened, and she smiled at him in a way that was somehow very excited and very sad, with just a hint of worry and wonder about the edges. 

'Have you ever had one?' Her voice was a quiet whisper, warm and soothing and protective as the blanket they huddled beneath. He shook his head. 'Me neither. I've never even been to one... you?' Another head shake. 

'He said we could do _anything_ \- have a party, go on an adventure. Said to tell them if there were any presents in particular I wanted!' Her eyes were wide, like she'd just seen Santa, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy dancing a merry jig (he knew this was the exact expression she would use on such an occasion, as he'd turned to look at her in surprise, and to make sure he wasn't seeing things. After all, Aziraphale had a habit of miracling odd things to amuse them when they were found sneaking out of bed- but only when he and Crowley were surrounded by wine bottles). 'I've never had a present before. I don't know what I'm meant to say? I mean, it's _them_ , so it's not like they can't just magic whatever I want, but is there a limit? Are there things you're not meant to ask for? Things you _are_ meant to ask for? What even happens at a party, anyway? How am I meant to tell them what I want when I don't know what I'm meant to say?' Hermione moved to hug him tightly, and even Kaa emerged from her hiding place to settle herself on his head, her tail swishing through his hair like she was trying to make him feel better, too. He smiled. Despite the sheer panic coursing through his veins, he knew that Hermione would find a way to make it better. She was brilliant like that.

'We can ask Pepper tomorrow, okay? Or Adam. They'll know what we should do.' Harry agreed, but an idea was already beginning to form in his very clever mind. 

*

Pepper, of course, was the first choice to talk to, as she understood these sorts of things better than Adam did. Not because her parents didn't believe in such things as birthdays, but because her mother was a sociology professor and had taught her daughter far more about abnormal human psychology than most people ever managed to learn. Used to explaining simple things to the boys, she was quick to set it all out into easy to understand rules for Harry (and, for future reference, Hermione) to follow:

1\. Don't be greedy. Ask for what you want, but don't expect hundreds of huge, expensive things (he would never!)

2\. Understand that they will celebrate, and it might be uncomfortable to be the centre of attention but it was just because they loved him. But be clear about what he wanted at the party, because Aziraphale and Crowley were prone to going overboard.

3\. A party is just you and your friends and maybe some relatives eating a lot of really good food that's very bad for you.

4\. Always set very clear boundaries when adventuring with Crowley and Aziraphale, because they sometimes forgot how squishy and mortal humans are.

These were all, in Harry's humble opinion, the most amazingly useful bits of wisdom anyone had ever bestowed upon him, and if Pepper was surprised by the sudden hug of gratitude, she was good enough to keep it to herself. Maybe it was Harry's imagination, but his best female friend even seemed to blush a bit at the gesture. Harry, now so much clearer about what was expected, had a plan. A very clever plan, if he did say so himself. So one afternoon, as the Them and Hermione were playing, he snuck away to set it in motion. He was proud that his voice didn't shake, not at all, when he asked to speak to Crowley and Aziraphale, though he smiled to see how quickly they gave him their entire attention. Azirphale even put down his book!

'I know what I want to do for my birthday.' The smiles they gave him were warm and bright and as gigantic as if he'd done something more remarkable than make a decision. 

'Anything, darling boy.' Beside Aziraphale, Crowley nodded eagerly in confirmation. 

'I want to share it with Hermione.' The two adults paused, eyeing him curiously. 'She's never had a birthday or a present either, and I don't want to have either without her getting them, too. And we're practically twins anyway, so why not share the birthday?' 

Aziraphale was in motion in a heatbeat, wrapping him up in a hug that made him feel like the best and most loved person in the whole world. Two seconds later, he felt Crowley drop a kiss to the top of his head, before standing and messing up his hair. 'You are the sweetest boy, and I am so, so proud of you,' Zira announced, moving away to stare at him as though he were a particularly valuable book he'd never thought himself lucky enough to even see. Zira was so preoccupied telling him that he was wonderful, that he completely missed Crowley's proud and loving grin, which said rather the opposite of the 'clever boy, that's a fantastic way to get double the presents each year,' he was muttering. 

Harry hadn't actually thought of that. But now he had, it really _was_ rather fantastic. 


	2. Epilogue

It turned out, birthdays were a lot of fun, especially when you got to share them with your sister. 

It had started with a startle, the sort that came about when you're woken by your fathers singing a rather poor but enthusiastically loud version of 'Happy Birthday' (they kept forgetting the words, and Aziraphale kept slipping into what sounded like ancient Mesopotamian). Harry's sleep-addled mind had taken a little longer than polite to notice that both Zira and Crowley were holding small birthday cakes- a chocolate one for Hermione, and a caramel one for him. They looked home made, too- not the sort of home made that meant that they had magiced them into being, but the sort like someone had measured out the ingredients and fretted about the oven, constantly checking to make sure they were perfectly cooked. If pressed to guess, he'd say Anathema had been rather busy. The four had settled happily onto Hermione's bed, forks in hand, sharing the cakes and sipping at the hot chocolate Aziraphale miracled into being until Harry couldn't imagine needing to eat again for the rest of the day.

Harry was pretty sure Crowley snuck some alcohol into his own mug when Zira wasn't looking. 

If this was a birthday, Harry could see why Dudley got so excited each year. But this? This was better than even the best of Dudley's birthdays, because Harry had Hermione settled in beside him, Kaa draped around her neck like a scarf, her arm constantly reaching over to hug him tightly as she got to experience her first birthday, too. 

It was worth the wait to experience a birthday to see her eyes lighting up in excitement, and the feel of her curled like a snake against his side.

He hadn't thought the day could actually get better, but once they were suitably filled with sugar, and hugged to within an inch of their lives, they were dragged from bed to discover twin mountains of presents so numerous the table they rested on was bowed and sinking with the weight. They'd gasped, looking to each other to check that yes, this was real, not a figment of an overactive imagination, and then Hermione had grabbed his hand, and they'd hurried over to investigate. They had slowly worked their ways through their respective mountains, squealing and cheering at the gifts. Hermione got a lot of books, which were, in fairness, her favourite non-living things, and she stroked them like cats and hugged them to her chest as she thanked their fathers for each and every one. He had gotten books, too- but only the ones he'd actually wanted (unlike Hermione, there weren't many he was excited for, overall). Unlike Hermione, he also got music and movies and everything that he'd always wanted to experience but had never had the chance to, with a promise from Zira that the Them would be visiting on Sunday for something called a 'movie marathon'. Both had been given expensive looking phones, magiced to grant unlimited calls and texts and probably about a dozen other things he'd never even think to use. 

'Thought you both might like to try your hand at photography one day. You know, given how often you're off exploring in the woods.' Crowley was always sincere when he spoke to them, but there was a hint of mischief in his voice, like he knew something they didn't and couldn't quite keep from hinting. 

Once they had opened all of the presents from their fathers, they had both hurried to their rooms to get each other's present. Harry had thought long and very, very hard about what to get her. He didn't want to just _buy_ something. He wanted to make it, to have it be from him, and filled to overflowing with how glad he was to have a twin sister. He had agonised for a week trying to figure it out, until Pepper had taken pity and suggested he start a scrap book for her. He wasn't very artistic, though, so instead, he'd gotten a beautiful spiral bound book, asked Zira to get him copies of all of the family photos, and the photos of them playing with The Them that Crowley thought they didn't know about. He'd stuck each one in, and then written the story behind it, leaving space for Hermione to add her own thoughts, too. He'd shown it to Crowley, first, hoping for advice on how to improve it, but Crowley had promised it was perfect, and his sister would love it. He'd shown Zira, too, just in case he disagreed, but he'd grinned and ruffled his hair, and got distracted telling him what a wonderful boy he was again. 

When he'd gone to wrap it, he'd seen newer, smaller messages added from them both. It had taken ages to wrap it, partly because he'd never wrapped a present before and partly because he really wanted it to be perfect. And when Hermione saw it, the excited smile was worth every irritating moment of paper straightening and fussing. 

He had never given someone a present before, and he found he loved the experience. Hermione had laughed when she'd seen it, and hugged him tightly, whispering 'I love you' into his ear and kissing him over and over on the cheek. Watching her fingers caress the words he'd so carefully written, delicate as if they were each the most beautiful, perfect, fragile thing in the world, left him grinning.

At first, he hadn't understood why she'd laughed, but as he opened his gift from her, he couldn't help but laugh, too. 

It was a book, very similar to his own, filled with pictures and stories and messages of love.

And if they both cried a little in happiness, well, no one had to know. 

*

It took a while to put their new gifts away (Hermione had refused to let her precious books be magiced away, and like Aziraphale she tended to get distracted organising her library), but eventually they'd showered and dressed in brand new clothes, ready for the party, and been hugged so tightly by Anathema that they'd needed to catch their breath once she'd let them go. Newt restrained himself to a quick pat to the shoulder and a mumble of what was either 'happy birthday' or a long forgotten curse from Bulgaria. Though Zira and Crowley had clearly overcatered, Anathema had, as always, brought food, too. Brownies, the sort so gooey and glorious that the world seemed to stop in surprise a moment and then groaned and tried to shove as many into its metaphorical mouth as possible. Even though Crowley rarely ate, Harry saw him sneaking back for more brownies throughout the day. 

The Them arrived with just the right amount of bluster and chaos, with the party devolving rather quickly into a food fight and then a lot of running round and shouting that seemed to baffle the trio of adults (Crowley delighted in it. In fact, it was he who threw the first hunk of suddenly appearing cake, and who kept the supplies coming even if only so no one dared to try and use a brownie as a projectile).

In fairness, their sudden cleanliness as Aziraphale miracled the clothing stains and chunks of foodstuffs baffled the Them, too. 

Finally, though, the Them had to go home, and even Newt and Anathema were yawning and calling it a day. They ate a little- vegetables, mostly, and mostly to stop Aziraphale fretting about all the sugar running through their bloodstreams, and then Crowley made them a little bonfire in the back yard so they could reward their good eating habits with some toasted marshmallows. 

Hermione, as ever, opted to use Crowley as a seat, Kaa hissing and flitting through her hair, her scales catching the light in a way that made Harry wish he could draw it. Beside him, Aziraphale handed him his new phone, and as subtly as possible, he snapped a few photos of Hermione, Kaa and Crowley curled together, the light reflecting off three pairs of serpentine eyes. 

'Did you have a good day, Harry?'

'It was the best day ever.'

They sat, watching stars and flames dance, telling stories about their days until Hermione was asleep on Crowley and Harry was curled on Aziraphale's lap, barely awake. His last thought before his dreams took hold was that he couldn't wait to see what Hermione would do with her birthday. 

**Author's Note:**

> I have, honestly, the most awesome sister in the world. She is the sweet, wonderful, amazing Harry to my slight evil but ultimately (hopefully) loveable Hermione. She reads all my stories, even though she's incredibly busy, and she is totally the inspiration for the sweet, generous Harry you've just read.
> 
> Love you, sis!


End file.
